When asked, up to 30% of people with Parkinson’s have thought about suicide. However, if you are feeling stuck and your feelings have evolved into thoughts about suicide, we want you to know there are places to turn to for support. Many with Parkinson’s may relate to these feelings and have found ways to work through them. Feelings of heavy dread can often follow a new diagnosis, changing abilities and symptoms or the frustration of altering medications. Sometimes, I am truly hysterical, and not just the belly laughs kind.People with Parkinson’s disease (PD) can feel a sense of helplessness at any stage of the disease. Before, I took all the radio silence for granted, but I don’t anymore. The noise is so loud and often inescapable. There are days when I would literally do anything to turn down the volume in my brain. Mental health is often silent, invisible and imaginary - until it’s not. He ping-ponged between me and Kyle, and I could almost see the gears whirring in his brain. One gentleman toddled inside, searching for the bathroom, and squinted at me through blurry eyes like I was possibly a figment of his drunken imagination. I picture myself half-naked in my best friend’s living room, wedding guests wandering in and out, staring at me with wide eyed confusion. With time and therapy, it’s slowly getting better. My anxiety had burst our newlywed bubble, and I was breaking down before my own eyes and the eyes of the people who loved me. So, our perfect love story wasn’t so perfect anymore. Scrofula, MS, pernicious anemia, lupus, bubonic plague, hookworm, pancreatitis, Jackson, Van Buren, Harrison, Tyler. There were days I convinced myself my very real physical symptoms indicated a heart murmur, brain cancer or lymphoma. I looked for signs of illness and found them everywhere. I was positive I was sick and my rational brain had no control. I was very wrong.īecause it was such an overpowering feeling during my episodes and after the recent family death, I became fixated on death and dying. I thought that since I could name it, it held no authority over me anymore. It felt like the heavens opened and God was speaking directly to me. Finally, it clicked these were panic attacks. She was convinced she was having a heart attack, but she wasn’t. At 20 years old, she went to a party and started having chest pains and shortness of breath. One woman, about my age with blonde hair and glasses talked about her struggle with anxiety. I curiously clicked on a video about Mental Health Awareness Week and listened as several women told their stories. The week after his funeral, I lay in bed, scrolling through Facebook. I was scared to exercise, drink coffee, have sex or do anything that might increase my heart rate. I knew I was on the verge of a heart attack at the age of 27. Convinced my body was a walking time bomb, I left his office feeling dejected. It had been that high for four days and I was still having chest pains. The rhythm was normal - no murmur - but my pulse was 110, which was 30 beats higher than it should’ve been. I made an appointment with my primary care physician the week I returned from the wedding. It was a mind numbing and mindless chant, but my third grade teacher would be so proud. My pulse would race for days afterward, only eventually slowing if I religiously repeated the presidents while I focused on deep breathing. Each time, the fear that I was dying became bigger and more aggressive. They lasted longer and rolled together, sometimes persisting for hours or even days. I had no idea what was happening to me and as they continued, my anxiety spiraled harder and faster. “Panic Attack at the Disco” wasn’t my first.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWrite something about yourself. No need to be fancy, just an overview. ArchivesCategories |